it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
