if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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