In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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