Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
