I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
