I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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