i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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