So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
