if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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