Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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