I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize