The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Mom said you looked used
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
