I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
