You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
