Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
