I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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