I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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