Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
