i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
