put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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