Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
