I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
