yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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