What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
