You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
