i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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