this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
