I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
