Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
high people should be assigned attendants
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
