sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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