not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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