She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
