If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
