dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
