he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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