i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
