my phone needs a breathalizer
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
