he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
