how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
