Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
