he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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