I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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