he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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