he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
