Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
