Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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