Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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