my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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