don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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