if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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