I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
