Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
