I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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