i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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