that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
