Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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