I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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