I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
