Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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