The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
