Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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