I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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