i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize