you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
