This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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