I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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